Updated: Sep 11
When we come into this world, we are completely reliant on our caregivers for everything from food and shelter to emotional connection and nurturance. This “neediness” is part of God’s design and is completely natural. In the best case scenario, we have caregivers who are able to provide for all of our physical needs and provide adequate emotional attunement. Unfortunately, many of us may not have had this experience. Even if you had a safe home and plenty of food, you may have been lacking emotional connection. Each of us has our own story. As it turns out, that story matters. Those early narratives play a role in how we interact today.
In psychology, this concept is called “attachment theory”. This concept is rooted in decades of research and highlights the profound impact of our earliest emotional connections on the health of our future romantic relationships and even friendships. Originating from the work of John Bowlby, attachment theory reveals that the emotional bonds we form with our primary caregivers, often our birth parents, play a significant role in our adult relationships. Let’s take a deeper look at the different attachment styles and their influence on our interactions with loved ones.
Attachment Styles Defined
Attachment theory identifies four main attachment styles that stem from our early interactions with caregivers. These styles are rooted in a seminal experiment called the “Strange Situation”, where babies' reactions to their parents' departures and returns were observed:
Secure Attachment: Babies with secure attachment become distressed when their parent leaves but are comforted upon their return. They trust that their caregiver is reliable and responsive.
Anxious Attachment: Babies with anxious attachment are highly distressed when their parent leaves and find it hard to be comforted upon their return. They're unsure if their needs will be met consistently.
Avoidant Attachment: Babies with avoidant attachment display minimal reaction when their parent leaves or returns. They've learned to suppress their emotional needs due to inconsistent caregiving.
Disorganized Attachment: Babies with disorganized attachment exhibit erratic reactions, possibly due to a tumultuous relationship with their caregiver. They struggle with emotional regulation.
Although the Strange Exeriment was only an observational study, the reactions give us a snapshot of the infants' overall experiences with their caregivers. Whatever experience was repeated and imprinted in the child’s nervous system would go on to form the basis for how they would relate to others in the future.
Impact on Adult Relationships
Whatever attachment style was encoded in our infancy will significantly shape our adult relationships. Here's a breakdown of how each style influences our interactions:
Secure Attachment Style: Individuals with secure attachment are more likely to develop healthy, long-lasting relationships. They are confident when seeking emotional support and have the ability to provide support to their partners. These attributes contribute to relationship success and mutual trust.
Anxious Attachment Style: People with anxious attachment may appear clingy and have a higher tendency to frequently seek reassurance in their relationships. Their fear of abandonment can lead to challenges in forming and maintaining connections.
Avoidant Attachment Style: Those with avoidant attachment often maintain emotional distance, struggle to express feelings, and find it hard to receive and offer comfort. They may appear self-sufficient but can face difficulties in establishing intimacy and trust with others.
Disorganized Attachment Style: Individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit unpredictable behavior and struggle with maintaining healthy relationships. This style often arises from a turbulent childhood where there was ambiguity and inconsistency in their relationships with family and caregivers.
Attachment Styles and Our Relationship with God
Although our caregivers were likely the first human relationship we had, we all have now been given the opportunity to take part in the most important relationship of our lives: our relationship with God. Whether we are aware of it or not, we often carry our early attachment patterns into that relationship.
Secure Attachment Style: Individuals with secure attachment may feel a greater sense of being connected to and protected by God. They feel comfortable reaching out to Him in prayer and are confident that He has their best interest in mind. They view God as benevolent and loving and are secure in His faithfulness.
Anxious Attachment Style: People with anxious attachment may struggle with doubt and question whether God truly loves them. They may ruminate on things they have done wrong and wonder if God will forgive them. They may even begin to fear being abandoned by God. These fears and doubts can lead to challenges in knowing God intimately.
Avoidant Attachment Style: Those with avoidant attachment may find it hard to approach God in prayer for comfort and support. They may believe that “God helps those who help themselves” and attempt to be mostly self-reliant. Some of these individuals carry a lot of church hurt or other forms of religious trauma that make them hesitant to draw near to God.
Disorganized Attachment Style: Individuals with disorganized attachment may have a lot of confusion about who God is and how to relate to Him. They may have received countless mixed messages about God’s character and His desire for a relationship with them. If a child is raised in a home where they are exposed to strict religious ideals and they develop an unhealthy fear of punishment, they may have difficulty integrating Biblical truths about God’s love and mercy.
Understanding and Transformation
Understanding your attachment style is a crucial step toward improving your relationships and your spiritual health. Attachment styles affect many aspects of how we relate to others. Communication, establishing trust, physical and emotional safety, and relationship longevity can all be impacted. These styles can also be passed down through generations, shaping how you relate to your own children. There are countless reasons why understanding your own personal patterns is such valuable insight.
To begin exploring your attachment style, consider seeking therapy. While online resources and quizzes can provide suggestions, psychotherapy offers a deeper level of understanding and healing for attachment wounds. At Endurance, we are here to provide encouragement, support, and guidance for every step of this journey.
Recognize that labeling yourself or others with a specific style might oversimplify the complexities of human interactions. It’s important to remember that you did not consciously choose your attachment style and are not responsible for the actions of your caregivers. Even if you have repeated unhealthy relational patterns for years, it is never too late to gain awareness, decide to change, and grow healthy relationships from this point forward. It may be a bit challenging at first, so give yourself grace and know that it is well worth the effort. As psychologist Dr. Coda Derrig aptly states, "Relating to other people is probably the greatest gift and the biggest challenge in our lives."